Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg,
January 31rd, 2014.
You know, if you are on FaceBook, and
something compels you to tell everyone else on FaceBook that you “Like”
FaceBook, you might need to consider spending less time on FaceBook. Just sayin’.
Speaking of FaceBook (which is, of course,
short for “SitOnMyFacebook”), We have learned of the second death in less than
a week through same this morning.
Earlier in the week, someone started updating the FB status of a woman
We had recently learned was terminally ill as though she were (subjunctively)
updating it herself. From Heaven. This is how We learned that she had
died. If you need to have it explained
to you that you should not do this please see preceding paragraph.
Sigh.
.
Changing gears, on to Our upcoming appearance in Greater
Bostonia. We spent some time the other
morning engaged in telephonic communication with another of Our Greater
Bostonian contacts, and We are thisclose
to a Salem appearance date (Salem being Our favorite part of Greater Bostonia,
it being, of course, where the witches come from and, consequently, the place
where We feel most at home). At the risk
of redundantly and reiteratively repetitively repeating Ourself, We are hereby
issuing a “Save-The-Date” to Our Greater Bostonian Gentle Readers for Friday, February 28st. (That date will not be Our only
Massachusettsian appearance, it is just Our only confirmed date at the moment.)
We are VERY excited….stay tuned!
We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the
only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month
Horoscope video. Fortunately, it
doesn’t suck.
Our
video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above,
and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/ovOtlxcnC50
Meanwhile, Our favorite hottie from Oh Hai, Ohio,
AstroGeek, has a new post up: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/new-moon-in-aquarius-the-main-event . And
how can you not love something with a section entitled “The Sun, The Moon, and
Uranus”? (We feel, however, that We
really must get better in synch with this dear boy’s updates. We feel as though We only see every third
one, and that We are never alerted at a time conducive to Our in turn alerting
Our Gentle Readers. Perhaps after Our
Bostonian excursion, We should trek to Oh Hai, Ohio, for a powwow. (“Powwow” is, of course, an old Indian word
for “hot steamy monkey love”.))
And now, the HorrorScope…
It is Justin Timberlake’s birthday. Also, Carol Channing’s. What one thing has to do with the other, We
haven’t got any idea.
You’re not sure exactly what you want, (Say what? Have you MET Us? We know ex-damn-actly what We want.)
but you can tell that it’s coming. (Coming. Ex-damn-actly!)
Of course, you have to work hard to make it real, (And
you have to work even harder to make it imaginary.)
but that’s never stopped you before. (Unlike,
apparently, everything else.)
Move forward at least a little today. (Don’t tell Us what to do! You are not the boss of Us!!! WE’VE HAD JUST
ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU!!!!)
A wave of altruism will soon wash over you (Of course, when We first glanced at that, We
read it as “a wave of autism”, and immediately said, “Four o’clock…time for
Wapner.”)
— you’re a sucker (Oh, you HAVE met Us.)
for good causes and underdogs. (Sweet Polly Purebred,
on the other hand, is shit-outta-luck.)
If you’re asked to make a donation, (Sperm?)
buy something whose proceeds will benefit a nonprofit
or contribute your time to a charity, you’ll be only too happy to do it. (Blah-blah-blah…let’s
get back to the “sperm” part.)
Just be sure the person who sees your soft heart — and
checkbook — doesn’t take advantage of you. (Unless he’s, say, Johnny Depp. Or Ryan Phillippe. Or Chord Overstreet. Or a member of One Direction. Or…well, let’s just say, the possessor of a
penis and a pulse.)
(Candy-coated popcorn, penis, and a pulse…)
(Hey, you eat YOUR CrackerJacks™, We’ll eat OURS.)
While everyone else is fighting in the board room, (Or
smoking in the boys’ room?)
you’re back in the lunch room, chatting up that new
hottie. (Cafeteria workers are
HAWTT. You should see his hairnet.)
(Did that sound dirty to you? Because it sounded dirty to Us, and We have
no idea why.)
Stay out of the fray — you’re sure to meet the right
person that way. (Kelli? Is a poet, but she is unaware of it.)
(Also, she is an AssHatt.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
