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Thursday, June 30, 2011

Katmandu….that’s really, really where I’m going to.





                                           

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thurston Howell the Thursday, June 30, 2011.  Happy birthday (We think) to Willam, who turns twenty-four today.  And, to the rest of you, Happy Another Half A Year Shot To Hell.

We do so love to spread good cheer.

We attempted to wish you all a Happy Hump Day yesterday, but We were overcome with a fit of ennui.  Meanwhile, Happy Over The Hump Day doesn’t seem at all the same thing.

To the extent that anything can fascinate Us this morning, We are fascinated by exactly how someone got referred to these pages from the site of the 2011 Rugby World Cup Store.  (And no, We’re not making that up; a little GoogleBird told Us. (We’re SAYING “GoogleBird”, but We’re THINKING “DickyBird”, and, consequently, We’re having impure thoughts. (We just attempted to GoogleBird “DickyBird” on WikiBird, with most unsatisfactory results.  Although Lady Bird Johnson is still dead.)))

You just know your day is gonna be total crap when the Celebrity Of The Day is Lady Bird Johnson.

Should We even waste the oxygen required to mention that Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  ?  Yeah, We didn’t think so.

Perhaps We should start the HorrorScope.  Not that it will matter.

You can get more done than you think today (Well, since We are imagining accomplishing exactly nothing, that is probably true.)

— all those obstacles and distractions are illusory, (Yeah, it’s not like anyone returns Our phone calls or anything.)


or at least less potent than they appear at first. (So, wait…impotent people are going  to distract Us?  Greeeeaaattt.)


Abandon all fear (Except for fear itself.)


and move ahead quickly.  (Alternatively, bang the drum slowly.)


(No, We have no idea.)


It’s all about strutting your very hot stuff right now (Oh, please.)

— your strength is bigger than ever and growing!  (We haven’t showered yet.  Give Us a break.)


Make sure nobody ignores you today. (And how exactly would you suggest We do THAT?)


Put on your boldest outfit, laugh your loudest laugh and flash your brightest smile. (In other words, forget to take Our lithium.)


Do whatever it takes to stand out from the crowd and make a jaw-dropping impact. (That sounds like a lot of work.)


People are looking in your direction (Gawd help them.)


and wondering who you are (And, more to the point, who We THINK We are.)


and what you’re all about. (We are all about the Hokey-Pokey.  That’s what it’s ALL about.)


Keep them guessing, (Just like Arlene Francis.)


(Dear Lord Jeebus, Arlene Francis AND Lady Bird Johnson?!?  We might as well just go directly back to bed.)


and you’ll keep getting noticed. (But will We get nudists?)


 You are feeling the urge to clean house (Oh.  We thought that was gas.)


— on many levels!  (We have two floors. We can only clean on one at a time.  And of all the things We SHOULD be accomplishing today but aren’t, that’s at the top of the list.  Or at the bottom.  Depending on how it’s ordered.  (We are so confused now.))


Spend extra time tidying up your living space, but when you’re all done, think about cleaning out some old emotional baggage, as well.  (Ah, yes, Our emotional hatboxes, Our emotional steamer trunks, Our emotional portmanteaux. Catch a fox and put him in a box and never shag a ho.)
 



(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

In the tea, my lord, the chrysanthemum tea, an informal variation on the normal recipe



                          
Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Toothy, June 28, 2011.  We are, once again, drinking green tea.  Which is, once again, yellow. (We shall forgo the brown leaves today, yesterday’s California Dreamin’ having gone unappreciated.) It is a sort of Green Tea Experiment, if you will, based on the premise that fifty million Chinamen can’t be Wong.

Although actually, they probably can.

With a lead-in like that, it may occur to you that We have precious few pearls of wisdom to cast before you proverbial piggies today, and you would be correct.  (You would also be astonished to learn that Micro$oft Weird™ denies the existence of the plural “piggies”, thereby forcing one to delineate the activities of each individual piggy, to wit, going to market, staying home, having roast beef, becoming a nun, and urinating all the way home, instead of just being able to say “many and varied activities were enjoyed today by all of the piggies”.   Stupid Micro$oft Weird™.)

Piggies notwithstanding Knots Landing, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  . 


Here is a random article about 30 television shows that didn’t make it:  http://www.kennethinthe212.com/2011/06/30-forgotten-boob-tube-favorites.html  Why doesn’t Bernadette Peters ALWAYS have her own TV show?  Or, hell, her own network?

Did We formally announce in here yet that Himself is bringing The Wedding Consultant back for this year’s Philly Fringe Festival?  The Fringe, being Fringey, as is its wont, sent a very Fringey questionnaire the other day, asking for info about the show.  In a fit of Fringey whimsy, Himself had Iris Holcombe, the titular (heh) Wedding Consultant, fill it out her own self.  Since the thing will never see the light of day anywhere else, We repurpose it here for your amusement:



PHILLY FRINGE VITAL STATS

THE QUESTIONS

Name: Iris Holcombe, Wedding Consultant

Age: A lady doesn’t tell, and a gentleman wouldn’t ask.

Where do you live now? The Main Line.  (I daren’t be more specific; I don’t want to end up with paparazzi in my rose garden.)

Where were you born? In a hospital.

Did you go to college or grad school? Naturally. If so, where? Sarah Lawrence.

What's your show title? The Wedding Consultant…because it’s all about ME!

What was the first thing you stole? A teenaged boy’s heart.  Out of a jar in my Daddy’s laboratory.

What's your favorite alcoholic beverage? Yes.

What was the last performance you saw? It was something Prince Harry did at the rehearsal dinner for his brother’s wedding, but I don’t think I should describe it in polite company.

What's your favorite Philly intersection? What newspaper is this interview for again?

If you were a "Founding Father," which one would you be and why? First of all, let me congratulate you on your proper usage of the subjunctive.  The entire founding of this country would have been done much more quickly and efficiently had there been (subjunctively) Founding Mothers present.  And I assure you that, had I been (subjunctively) present, I would have been the biggest Founding Mother of them all!

Who's your least favorite Founder? Is that one of those dreadful singing groups on that MTV that the children are all talking about?

Do you care about the Civil War Sesquicentennial? Only if a rogue spelling bee is going to suddenly break out around me.

What's the worst thing you ever did for money? Am I being paid for this interview?

Who's your favorite Phillies player? The one with the biggest bat.  (You didn’t think I’d know anything about sports, did you?)

Do you have relatives more famous than you?  No. Who are they? Nobody.

What's your least favorite country, and why?  Oh, dear.  I do try so very hard to be broad-minded…but I’d have to say, that country where the women have to dress all in black from head to toe.  What is it, Iraq?  Iman?  I mean, what kind of wedding party can you have without bridesmaids’ dresses?

Do you know what the Internet is? No, my assistant does all the computer work.  I can’t even program my BetaMax.

Do you own a gun? If so, have you fired it in anger? I decline to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.  (One of my ex-husbands was a lawyer; he taught me that answer.  (They never did find his body.))

Do you have pets? If so, what are their names? I’ve had three husbands, and I can’t even remember their names.  I have no time to housebreak anything else.

If you weren't an artist, what would your job be? (alternatively, what is your job, if you're not a full-time artist?) I am a Wedding Consultant.  Haven’t you been paying attention?

What's the most disgusting thing you've ever seen on SEPTA? Naturally, I personally have never been on SEPTA, but I have heard the servants discussing it from time to time, so I’m going to guess…poor people?


Herewith the HorrorScope:

Keep your communication short and sweet today (Fuck off.)

— there’s no need for you to get poetic or show off your style. (Good.)

If anything, most people ignore flourishes (Most people appear to be ignoring Us, period. )

(We just discovered that it’s raining.  There goes Our plan to take up jogging.)

 and just want to get the lowdown.  (Is that what the kids are calling it these days?)

Are you prepared? (Yes.  We know exactly how to rub two Boy Scouts together to start a fire.)

 That might be a difficult question for you to answer right now, (Have Iris Holcombe answer it.  That bitch knows everything.)

with so many things up in the air in your life. (Where’s all this up in the air, when We’re down in the depths on the ninetieth floor? (Kiss Us quick, We’re Cole Porter.))

If you’ve been waiting for things to slow down a bit, today it happens. (The only thing slower than this is death.)

You get the breathing room you need to get a grip on what’s going on around you. (There are two Boy Scouts; We’ve got two hands.  Sounds like a plan.)

This organizational phase is your chance to rid yourself of things you don’t need anymore, so don’t be afraid to be ruthless. (But if We are ruthless, wouldn’t that mean that We had already gotten rid of Our ruth?)

It’s time for some serious spring-cleaning despite the season. (Hey, We say, if you’ve got dirty springs, clean ‘em; season be damned.)

(Also, We can see your dirty pillows.)

(Eve Plumb was weak.)

(What?)

 Getting to know someone is easier than you think on a day like today. (Unless, of course, you mean biblically.)

Give yourself more credit — you’re an interesting person with lots of good stories. (Indeed.  We have Our Own Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) blog and everything.  You should check it out.  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogpot.com …oh, wait…well, check out Our vlog instead:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM   

Share more of yourself and you’re sure to get the attention you deserve. (Oh, see, now….)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Rock the boat (Don’t rock the boat, Baby) Rock the boat (Don’t tip the boat over.)






Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Mundee, June 27, 2011. Welcome to Our Very Newest Reader, who arrived here no doubt accidentally (and, possibly, Occidentally) on the Eric’s Daily Horoscope Shores of Gitcheegoomee by searching “Raymond Burr penis size”.  We trust he (We are assuming (thereby something something Uma Thurman’s ass) “he”…are there women who are concerned with dead men’s penis sizes?  Please advise.) is settling in nicely; trust Us, the confusion will pass.  It will not, however, pass any more quickly as We contemplate attempting a Nicely Nicely Johnson/penis pun, only to decide against it, as We don’t want to rock the boat.

The musical theatre queens all just groaned in unison.  In four-part harmony. And Raymond Burr rolled over in his grave.  Which measured eleven on the Richter scale.  (His rolling over, that is.  The Richter scale doesn’t measure penises.  (Penii?))

Candy-coated popcorn, penis, and a prize…that’s what you get in CrackerJack™.

We are drinking green tea.  It is yellow.

Also, We have a pain in Our shoulder. And a hole in Our bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza.

Just to be clear, someone DID actually find Us by searching “Raymond Burr penis size”.  We don’t make these things up just to titillate (heh) you.  We love Our Google Bloggonian statistics.

Here is something We DON’T love:  in Our never-ending efforts to remain positive and upbeat, despite the black cloud that follows Us around, the black fly in Our Chardonnay, and Our general Job-like existence (That’s capital-J “Job”, like the guy in the Bible (Yes, We have read the Bible.  The butler did it.)), We have decided that We shall completely ignore mean-spirited attacks such as, “You suck.  And, if you ask really nicely (heh), we’ll tell you just exactly WHY you suck, and HOW MUCH you suck.  Because we’re here to help.”  And the lovely corollary, “You suck, but we’re too busy and important to be bothered telling you why right now.  But your call is important to us, so someday we’ll get back to you and tell you why you suck, and how much you suck.”

See, here’s the thing:  there is only ONE Royal We around here, and We are Us.  Or, more grammatically, We are We (all the way home).  Also, We have met the enema, and he are you.  So knock it the fuck off.

Radically changing the subject, We appear to know a great many more Cancers who were born later in the sign.  But, in case you know some who were born earlier, and would like to share with them The Gift That Keeps On Giving (no, not herpes…get your mind out of Uma Thurman’s ass), here is Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video.  Which can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  . 

In still other news, We are now following Neil Patrick Harris on Twitter.  We wish We had a clue what the hell that means.

Push hard to make sure that your viewpoint is more widely adopted — but do so diplomatically. (We are an Aries…have you met Us?)

Playing hardball is likely (And again We say:  have you met Us?  We do not “play ball”.   No matter what adjective you choose to attach to the ball in question.  Of course, given the opportunity, We have been known to play WITH balls; perhaps this was the source of your confusion.  Don’t let it happen again.)

to backfire on you, (Unless there is a car involved, “backfire” is a euphemism for farting, no?)

and you don’t have time to waste on backtracking.  (Or, worse yet, backpacking.  Which is enough to make One take up cracksmoking.)

 Even someone who is agreeable and charming may have some devious intentions. (How fortunate for Us, then, that We are unacquainted with any such people.)

Do not let yourself trust people just because they seem trustworthy — wait for proof!  (You heard the lady…take OFF that Boy Scout uniform, Skippy!)

Watch for people who are smiling broadly today — they may have something to hide. (Alternatively, they may have already hidden something.  Something battery-operated.  In their nether regions.)

(Bzzzzzzzzzzz…..)

Try not to commit to anything legally binding or financially risky right now. (NOW ya tell us.)

You may not have all the necessary facts.  (But We have plenty of unnecessary ones.  For example, it is physically impossible to lick your own elbow.)

(AAAAaaaand now you’re all trying to lick your own elbows, you kinky elbow-licking elbowlickers, you.  We certainly hope you’re not at work doing that. (Plus, who knows where those elbows have been?))

Are you looking for a sign? (Yes.  “Slippery when wet.”  Have you seen it?)

Instead of gazing at tea leaves  (We thought We’d covered this. We are drinking green tea.  It is yellow.  All the leaves are brown .  (All the leaves are brown.) And the sky is gray.  (And the sky is gray.))

or checking in with a crystal ball, (That’s gonna leave a mark.)

you need to visit coupled-up friends for an quick chat about romance. (We don’t know about you, but where WE come from, it’s rude to visit friends while they’re coupling.)

Get some good advice on how to look for your next love.  (What, following him on Twatter isn’t enough?)



(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Batman is here and the joke is on you






Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Frydee, June 24, 2011.  So (almost) no one got back to Us after yesterday’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Tina Yothers You Only THOUGHT We Were Going To Say Justine Bateman to tell Us what your Batman name turned out to be.  So We’re just going to guess that it was Adam West. Except for those for whom it turned out to be Burt Ward’s Penis.

The remainder of today’s horoscope is going to be like one of those exercises where someone tells you not to think about penguins, and then all you can think about is penguins.  Except YouAll will be thinking about Burt Ward’s Penis.  (On the plus side, speaking of penguins, it could be worse; We COULD have said “Burgess Meredith’s Penis”.)

Is it just Us, or are We in the midst of a serious dearth of birthdays?  A birthday dearth, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t.  What makes you think it’s all about YOU?)  It seems like forever since We’ve wished more than one person a happy twenty-fourth.  Which may explain the infuriating lack of attention being paid to Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video.  Which can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  .  We’re not even going to mention the “Like” button any more, as YouPeople obviously cannot even find Uranus with both hands.

In still more self-referential news, it has been amusing Us of late, as We have mentioned previously in these pages, to peek at Our Google Bloggonian statistics.  We are currently being captivated by the list of OLD entries that people choose to look at at any given time; every day, some not-insignificant number of obviously highly intelligent denizens of the WorldWideInterWebNetz are poring over pearls of wisdom that We cast before YouSwine in 2010.  In case this amuses you as much as it amuses Us (not that We care, mind you), herewith the Top Ten Most Viewed Erix Daily Horoscopes Of All Time (“All Time” being, of course a relative term, Our entry into Bloggonia having only occurred in January 2010):

Jan 2, 2011
172 Pageviews
May 19, 2011, 4 comments
102 Pageviews
May 19, 2011, 1 comment
102 Pageviews
Jan 7, 2011, 3 comments
98 Pageviews
Jan 11, 2011
91 Pageviews
May 17, 2011, 7 comments
81 Pageviews
Nov 15, 2010
79 Pageviews
May 6, 2011, 2 comments
74 Pageviews
Oct 28, 2010, 2 comments
70 Pageviews
Nov 22, 2010, 5 comments
69 Pageviews

With that, We now present The HorrorScope.  In Smell-O-Vision™.

You’re the spark that fires up the creative engine today (Please don’t say “fire”…We damn near burned OurHouseWhereWeLive down yesterday.   We were broiling Our chicken (did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us, and We know that all We were doing was broiling Our chicken) and minding Our Own Bidness when the frickin’ chicken burst into flames!  Extra crispy, don’t’cha know.  Unfortunately, We were quickly able to subdue the resulting inferno.  (We say “unfortunately” because firemen are HAWTT.))

(Is becoming accident-prone a symptom of menopause?)

— so get things started as early as you can. (Let’s get this potty stotted.)
Your people (If We have “people”, why do We have to broil Our Own frickin’ chicken?  (That STILL sounds dirty. Dammit, it’s only poultry, people.  Paltry poultry at that.))

are waiting for you to say the word or propose a new plan, and you’re destined for success.  (We are also, unfortunately, suctioned to distress.)

The way you respect other people’s privacy is admirable, (If ya think THAT’S admirable, you should see the way We respect other people’s privates.)

but it could be limiting your opportunities. (To say nothing of your opportunities’ knockers.)

(Burt Ward’s Penis.)

Don’t be afraid to talk to the people around you about getting what you want — they’re there to help you get things started. (Could those things possibly NOT include kitchen fires?)

Managing your finances should be at the top of your to-do list today, (Lovely.  As soon as We’re through here, We’ll go rub Our two nickels together.  (THAT sounds dirty, too.  Gawd, YouPeople have dirty minds.  It’s a good thing Burt Ward’s Penis.))

 and you can get some fresh ideas from some surprising sources. (Burt Ward’s Penis for the win!)

Now that you have a clear financial goal in mind, (Winning PowerBall™.  Hey, We’re viZZZualizing it.)

you’re ready to tighten your belt a bit. (Was that a fat joke?)

 If you’ve been all talk and no action lately, (Actually, We’ve been busy being all caulk and no traction.  It’s kind of a niche market, but We want to be prepared when it blows up.)

(What?)

start practicing what you  preach to set a good example. (We are an EXCELLENT example.  We’re just not sure of WHAT.)

People appreciate your dedication to keeping it real.  (In Our experience, people are far more appreciative of Our penchant for keeping it imaginary.)

(Maybe if We stick this here, you will click on it.  Or maybe Burt Ward’s Penis.)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.