Saturday Saturday Saturday

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Saturday, March 31, 2012.  Welcome to A Very Special (Almost) All Video E-Dition Of E-Rix Daily Horoscope.  Above, of course, you will find Our Time of the Month Horoscope for Aries, the link for which is here: http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

Meanwhile, Our very talented friends at Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die have reached their initial Kickstarter goal, but please don’t stop donating; We hear they are having some legal difficulties about which We will tell you as soon as the gag order is lifted:

Here, meanwhile, are several WaitStaff sketches to while away your weekend hours:

Our recent appearance as Joan Rivers, opening the WaitStaff show:

And here We have Rick Santorum on The Dr. Phil Show:

And have We mentioned Our latest video?  http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

Aaaaaannnndddd We’re outie!  Happy weekend!

 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Don’t worry; be happy

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FridayFridayFridayKissUsQuickWe’reRebeccaBlack(WhoIsClearlyNoJustinBieber(HerDickIsBigger)), March 30, 2012.  Happy birthday to Mark, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Aileen, who also turns twenty-four today.  Also also, happy birthday to any friends of yours whom We do not know, who happen to be turning twenty-four today.  Why’n’t’cha go drop this link http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

 on their SitOnMyFaceBook pages and wish ‘em happy birthday from Us?

In addition to all of the above happiness, Happy National Cleavage Day to all of Our str8 boi (and lesbian) readers.  No, We are not making that up.

If you go and look at the following, and donate, you could be the one who puts these fine young gentlemen over their KickStarter goal, as they are just one pubic hair’s breadth away.  Which is fortunate because, at least in Mister Bieber’s case, that one pubic hair is all he’s got.  We know; We’ve seen it.  And trust Us, it cannot be unseen.  He’s got a little ribbon tied on the end of it.  And a couple of beads. Stupid little white boy, trying to go all Rastafarian with one pubic hair.  Somebody needs to tell him there is no singular of “dreadlocks”.

(You do realize that you’ve just spent the last thirty seconds of your life thinking about Justin Bieber’s pubic hair?  Good thing it’s FridayFridayFriday.)

In case Our digression confused you, this is the KickStarter in question:

Here, meanwhile, are several WaitStaff sketches to pass the time while you are waiting for the weekend:

And have We mentioned Our latest video?  http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

This just in:   SitOnMyFaceBook has come out AGAINST suicide.  We feel better already.

And here is a HorrorScope:

You need to clean and organize today (All things considered, We’d rather queen and euthanize.)

— at home, at work or maybe just your car.  (We already have the last two so organized, you’d never know they’re there.)

Things should feel a lot better if you can find a way to clear out some clutter and make room for something new.  (Things would feel even better than that if We could make room for something nude.)

Your intuition has been very keen lately, (That’s what We’ve been thinking.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

(Oh, shut up.)

and you’ve sensed that someone close to you is approaching a breaking point. (And We’ll be right there to pick up the penises…er, pieces.)

So you won’t be surprised (SURPRISE!)

by a sudden emotional outburst today. (Nobody expects the Spanish Emotional Outburst.)

(That joke worked better yesterday.  No, really.  Go look.  We’ll wait.)

(See?)

Try to be there for this person as much as you can — spend some time listening to and talking with her or him. (Why would We waste time with somebody if We can’t even tell what gender they are?)

Just by being there and presenting a calm, sympathetic demeanor, (Where the FUCK are We gonna get one of those?)

you can show a friend that things are not quite as bad as they may seem.  (They’re actually much, much worse.)

Can you just be friends after dating? (How the hell would We know?)

No, it didn’t work out in the bedroom, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start anew. (A new what?)

You and this person have more in common than you think — it’s a matter of redefining the relationship and the expectations. (Great.)

(Yesterday, Ibsen jokes; today, a Dickens joke.  Next week, dirty limericks with Marcel Proust.)

 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Take. On. Me. Take. Me. On.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thurzdet, March 29, 2012.  That there was the Frawnch spelling, as in “ballet” and “bidet”.  Not to be confused with Tori Spelling, doing ballet in the bidet. Which would be a whore of another scullery.  Which is similar to a horse of another color, but charges by the hour.

Now that We’ve cleared THAT up, didja know that if you took all the blood vessels in your body and laid ‘em end to end, you’d die?  We just learned that on the WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning.  Meanwhile, if you took all the sorority girls in the country and laid ‘em end to end, nobody would be a bit surprised.  Thank you, Dorothy Parker.

We should just throw in the towel and devote the rest of today’s e-pissode to Dorothy Parker quotes.  Clearly, all her mots were bon, whereas all Our matzoh balls. (Dorothy Parker would never have said that.  In fact, she would most likely have had no idea what the hell We were talking about, and she probably would have smacked Us.  Fortunately, she’s dead.)

And We are off, once again, frantically turning chicken shit into chicken salad…

Go look at Our latest video:  http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

Here are some things on which to click, should you mayhaps have an itchy clicky finger.  Or an achy breaky heart.  Or a penchant for saying “mayhaps” while wearing assless chaps and playing craps. (You think THAT’S bad?  We tried but failed to work “Pap smear” into that sentence.  Orange you glad We didn’t say banana?)

And here is a HorrorScope:

You need to deal with a situation that is somewhat imposing  (Nobody expects the Spanish Imposition!)

— but your mental energy lets you handle it in a way that impresses all the right people. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Uri Geller!)

Make it look easy and you can move forward quickly.  (Nothing is as easy as We are.  Now if only someone would give Us an opportunity to prove it.)

If you’re keeping your thoughts to yourself (We have no thoughts.)

because you think it will prevent arguments, (Are not.)

(Heh.  See what We…oh, never mind.)

don’t bother. (Could We get a T-shirt that says that?)

Because if you speak up and unleash your more opinionated side, (Wait…We have a LESS opinionated side?!?)

you will see some dramatic results. (Hedda Gabler.)

(That was a little Ibsen joke.  For Our Ibsen joke fan readers.  Where the hell else are ya gonna get an Ibsen joke?  Henrik Ibsen, Henry Gibson….it’s a fucking Norwegian laugh riot in here.)

The people around you right now not only want to know what you think, they want to discuss it with you. (Good thing they’re all imaginary.  (We do everything the voices in Our pants tell Us to do.))

Get ready to talk about complex issues, (People who live in complexiglass houses shouldn’t get stoned.)

(What?)

and let your personal feelings guide your argument. (Also, let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.)

Lead with your opinions, but close the argument with facts.  (Well, alright, but if We’re gonna argue with Ourself, We’d better at least win.)

You may be turning your energy to household matters, but your heart and mind are busily processing what’s been going recently in other areas. (Sounds like all of Our multiple personalities have multiple personality disorders.  Pity the poor waiter who gets Our table.)

Prepare for an ‘a-ha!’ moment regarding your love life. (Apparently, the 80s band A-ha was also Norwegian.  So there is a theme.  Shut the front door, Nora!)

(That was another Ibsen joke.  But you knew that.)

 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

And so pretty, Miss America should just resign

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for HumpDayHumpDayHumpDay, March 28, 2012.  The method to Our madness there was that if We said it three times, it would appear, much like Beetlejuice.  It will surprise no one to learn that, having said it three times, Our doorbell did not ring.  Mainly, of course, because We do not have a doorbell.  But don’t let’s cloud the issue with facts.

Come and hump on Our door…We’ve been waiting for you…

We are in a most peculiar mood today, and We know not why.  We hear that the weather has rebounded, so We may have to go and romp. Romp, romp, romp. (That last bit was a la The Bunny Hop.  (We told you:  mood.))  Alternatively, We may frolic.  Or possibly run amok.  Stay out of Our neighborhood if you know what’s good for you.

We, obviously, have no idea what’s good for Us.  Although We’re pretty sure a hump wouldn’t go amiss.

Here: http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM  is the link with which you are not sharing Our latest video with your friends.  And here is a funny story about same: Ya know those people that One only knows on the WorldWideInterWebNetz?  One of them asked Us if it was indeed Us appearing as Starzina in said video.  Okay, fair question, since We haven’t actually met in real life.  Yes, it is Us (well, more correctly, “it is We…The Royal We”  (you did read that like “Bond…James Bond”, didn’t you?)).  The next question?  No, really…wait for it…”Who’s playing your mom?”

This person is presumably allowed to drive a car, and vote, and walk about the public streets unsupervised.

‘Tis a gift to be simple, ‘tis a gift to be freaks.

Here are some things on which to click, should you mayhaps have an itchy clicky finger.  Or an achy breaky heart.  Or a penchant for saying “mayhaps” while wearing assless chaps and playing craps. (You think THAT’S bad?  We tried but failed to work “Pap smear” into that sentence.  Orange you glad We didn’t say banana?)

Charlene Tilton.  When you care enough to send the very breast.

You feel fun and flirty today, so make the most of it! (Also furry, farty, and fluorescent.  And fizzy and funny and fine.  And a whole bunch of other adjectives beginning with F.  But why stop at adjectives, FuckWit?)

Your great energy and enthusiasm (Say what?)

should keep others interested, (We can’t even keep Our imaginary friends interested.)

 so make sure that you’re engaged (If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it.)

and appreciative of those around you.  (We keep hanging with people on the wrong team.  They don’t appreciate Our “appreciation”.)

A rapid exchange of ideas with a friend or coworker early in the day will stimulate your curiosity (Is your curiosity stimulated, or are youi just happy to see Us?)

(Seriously?  Who carries a burrito in their pocket?)

— you’ll want to follow up on some of the ideas from the discussion, and should try to make time to do so. (That sounds way too much like work.)

A quick internet search (Who even knew the internet was missing?)

will help you find the answers you need and will plant more seeds for a continued conversation. (That last bit was a euphemism, right?)

While you might not be able to pick up where you left off with this person today, you will eventually. (“Eventually” is like the day after the Twelfth of Never, right?  And that’s a long, long…time.)

And when you do — you’ll be ready.  (Just like the Boy Scouts:  be prepared.  And how do YOU prepare Boy Scouts?  Our recipe starts out “Preheat oven to 350”.)

As long as you’re single, why not diversify?  (Screw that…why not PERverisfy?)

Meeting as many people as you can gives you a sense of possibilities — and right now, it’s also really fun. (Especially if you try to see how many of ‘em you can kill.)

Get yourself to a social event and be the social butterfly.  (With Our luck, We’ll get there and be the social mealybug.  Or the social tapeworm.  Sigh.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Would you let me dress you?

Would it kill you to go watch this?:

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for TwosTea(AndThreesCompany), March 27^th, 2012.  Why We even bother to speak, We’ll never know.

So yesterday, after Our e-pisstle was published, We decided to pay bills here at Casa de Crapfest.  Except We couldn’t seem to find the gas bill.  And with the quantities of gas We have around here, that most certainly needed to be paid.  We looked high, We looked low.  We were sure We had seen it.  We found last month’s bill, which had, of course, already been paid.  Still no gas bill.   We were on the verge of going to the actual gas company (which, it turns out, is right nearby) to pay the damn thing in person, when the gas bill?  Arrived in the mail.

Sigh.

Speaking of gas, Our heat has come on for the first time in several weeks.  Fortunately, the oven will be on later, as We are having a friend for dinner.  (Does the phrase “having a friend for dinner” make anyone else think of Hannibal Lecter?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then. (We should probably shut up…he reads this, and might not come.  Lettuce just clean these fava beans, and open this Chianti so it can breathe…))

(Could it be any clearer that We’ve got nothin’?)

Last night, We had a dream in which We were reading a book.  Which, as We were reading it, turned into a movie.  Which was good, because a movie makes for a much better dream.  Unfortunately, that’s all We remember.

Sigh.

Here’s some stuff to click on.  We’re not writing any text about it, because you won’t read it anyway.

http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM

Charlene Tilton:  (.)(.)

That was a little tit joke for Our str8 boi readers.  They most likely skimmed right past it.  Nakedly.  Sigh.

This is a good time to slow down (Finally, something at which We excel.)

and take stock (We have already planned the menu.  We require no stock.)

before making any new advances. (Are We going to be a cheeky monkey then? (There’s a fat joke in there somewhere, but it may have smothered between the cheeks.))

Even those at the very top need to take time to absorb their situation and ensure that they can move forward.  (Before pooping on those below them.)

 The heat is on today!  (We said that already.  Pay attention!)

There is a problem brewing, (So distill instead.  Must We think of EVERYTHING?)

and your name will be on the top of the list of people who can provide the solution.  (We’re pretty sure We don’t want Our name on any lists.  In other news, Our WorldWideInterWebNetz just informed Us that Justin Bieber has dropped a new single entitled “Boyfriend”.  So, naturally, having seen Miss Bieber’s penis, We felt compelled to check out thirty seconds of it.  In that thirty seconds, he misuses the subjunctive (“if I was your boyfriend”) and talks about eating fondue.  Way to masculinize that image, Biebs.  The whole mess paled by comparison to the purposefully-androgynous Prince’s song of twenty-odd years ago, “If I Was (sic) Your Girlfriend”.)

Luckily, when you reach inside your brain for a suggestion, (Literally?)

the perfect answer will be right there waiting for you!  (How lucky can We get!  The perfect answer, AND brain damage, all in one day!)

Have faith in yourself, (If We don’t believe in Ourself, will We disappear?)

because you won’t let anybody down. (Oh, please.  We might do any damn thing.)

Problems are just opportunities in unattractive packages.  (And “the fuck up” is the way in which We wish you would shut.)

And whether you realize it or not, you have been preparing for this opportunity for a long while. (Is it wrong to want the opportunity with the biggest knockers?)

You are ready to shine.  (Mmm-hmm.  As soon as We’re through here, We’re gonna take a bath with the toaster.)

A daytime date looks especially great — brunch, a bike ride, a swim, a walk through a cool, quiet museum together.  (Please…at Our advanced age, We only agree to be seen in public after the sun has gone down.)

If a romantic prospect isn’t available, (And trust Us, it isn’t.)

 take a friend and introduce yourself to people along the way!  (Hello!  Our name is Starzina, and We’re here about the blowjob!)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty big man

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Munty, March 26, 2012.  Much like Micro$oft Weird™, We are sure there are many of you cunning linguists who would like to point out to Us that “Munty” is not a word. And to both of you, We say:  “Duh.”  “Munty” does, however, rhyme with something We feel ever so much like being this morning; lettuce see if We can restrain Ourself and maintain civility…

We trust you all enjoyed the Very Special Weekend E-dition of E-rix Daily Horoscope, complete with dirty jokes.  (We have to trust, as, much like Helen Keller falling down in a forest, We heard no sound.  (Whoops…We seem to have spilt some Asti Spu-Munty.  (No use crying, though. (Heh.  See what We did there?))))

In case you are New Here, or only read these e-pisstles to relieve the tedium of your workplace, or had an interesting weekend, We shall pause here to give you a chance to read the aforementioned Special Weekend E-dition of E-rix Daily Horoscope:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/03/always-love.html

(While We’re pausing, it may interest the rest of you to note, as it does Us, that apparently “aforementioned” has no present tense. (We’re feeling existential…are We here?))

Okey-dokey-artichokey…now that, much like Our Congressional representatives, We’re all on the same page (wait for it….THERE ya go!), moving on…

Thorough Gentle Readers (as opposed to you naked skimmers…who could at least have the decency to sext Us a picture of yourselves from time to time…We’re just sayin’) will be familiar with Our promotion of the following:

Those of you who were fans of Michael Doherty, who played Justin Bieber  in Our Pisces video,  might want to check out this video for his latest project, a Fringe show coming in September entitled Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die:

The burr under Our saddle this morning…well, ONE of the burrs under Our saddle this morning…let’s call this one “Raymond Burr”…everybody LOVES him…ooops, did We digress?  Well, of course We did…ya think it’s easy to write this stuff, let alone on horseback? What were We talking about?  Oh, yes:

The Raymond Burr under Our saddle this morning (and, now that We think of it, that would be a mighty big Burr…especially in his later years (now We’re imagining a sort of Princess-and-the-Pea situation…although you’d hardly have to be a delicate flower to notice Raymond Burr under your saddle (and please note that We did NOT say “Princess-and-the-Pee”, which is a whole ‘nother story about bedwetting (or “Princess-and-the-Penis”, which is the porno version of same…DAMMIT!

The burr under Our saddle this morning (why we didn’t say “thorn in Our side”, We’ll never know) is that, as of this writing, these gentlemen’s KickStarter project has the exact same number of people PLEDGING MONEY to it as have even bothered to click on Our latest video: http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM

Really, people?

Now, mind you, this is not to in any way denigrate the fine folks at Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die.  We heartily endorse their project and will continue to promote it, and We look forward to it like Paula Deen looks forward to an all-you-can-eat fried buffet.  And We realize that there are more of them than there are of Us, and that they are younger, more attractive, and one of them has Justin Bieber’s penis.  But still…

Really, people?

(Please do not allow yourselves to become distracted, as We just did, by the fact that the phrase “one of them has Justin Bieber’s penis” makes it sound as though he carries the thing about on his keychain, much like a lucky rabbit’s foot.  Because that?  Would be disgusting.)

Paging Munty Hall…Munty Hall, to the white courtesy phone please…

Okay, totally changing the subject…

This morning on the WorldWideInterWebNetz, We learned that chickens? Will eat chicken.  Presumably because?  It tastes like chicken.

Also, apropos of nothing, We were walking down the street on Saturday when We heard, behind Us, a voice that sounded exactly like Chris Colfer from Glee. (Chris Colfer, for you non-Gleeks, plays Kurt, the somewhat effeminate gay kid.  He has an extremely distinctive, high-pitched, somewhat sibilant voice.)  The voice was talking on a cell phone, extremely loudly:  “Oh, sure, he can throw far, just not at anyone in particular.  Tim Tebow throws like a girl!” (It was much funnier in Chris Colfer’s voice.)

When We finally got to see the owner of the voice, it was a Chinaman. In short shorts.  With shaved legs.  (If you dare wear short shorts, Nair™ for short shorts.)

Not even Charlene Tilton can save Us now.

Too much clutter could be wreaking havoc with your nerves, so make a real effort to deal with your stuff. (Oh, hell, just throw it under Our saddle…We’ll never notice.)

It may be a good time for you to step up and have a yard sale. (Well, except that first, We’d have to buy a yard.)

It’s cleansing!  (So is an enema, but with friends like that, who needs one?)

(We have never understood that saying.  (“With friends like that, who needs enemas”, for you ADD types.)  What exactly are you DOING with these friends of yours?)

There will be a pause in the action today

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

— you have a lot of momentum going on in various projects right now, but it’s time for patience, not for progress.  (Also, apparently, alliteration.  Asshole.)

Slowing down will give you a chance to kick off your shoes, sit down and get comfortable.  (Not if Raymond Burr has anything to say about it.)

Work on learning how to accept the fact that you can’t always have things happen as quickly as you think you want them to. (Well, okay, as long as We can learn that really quickly.)

The universe has a different speed in mind for you, (Puree?  Frappe?)

and it’s liberating to just go with it.  (Wouldn’t it be more liberating to go without it?  Just sayin’.)

 Don’t get too full of yourself  (Or your friends will have to give you an enema.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ keeps wanting Us to change “enema” to “enemy”.  Why would Our friends give Us an enemy?)

as your confidence soars at work. (Jigga what?)

Embrace your good fortune (, Cookie.)

and spread that energy around to others. (Ene-mee, ene-mah, ene-mee, ene-mah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha …)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.