Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, December 31th , 2013. Happy Birthday to Stephan, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the vicinity of The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
We trust YouPeople all have lovely NewYearsEve plans. We Our Own Self Personally shall be murder-mysterying. Which, while making Us happy that We will be making money, also means that We shall be spending Our New Years Eve with eighty-odd people who think murder-mystery dinner-theater is a really good way to ring in the new year. So there’s that.
Is it wrong that all We wanna do is stay home and watch The Poseidon Adventure?
In other news, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival!
Tickets are now available at http://thecentretheater.ticketleap.com/
Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo)).
This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event. Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic. (Also poetic and chic.)
Check out Our Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN video above. And, in the holiday spirit of giving, use this link to share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM
And now, the HorrorScope…
Celebrity mothers who were incapable of keeping their legs crossed long enough to allow their children to be New Year babies include dead singers Donna Summer and John Denver’s mothers. (Do We have a way with words, or what?)
You may step on one toe too many today (Tea for two, and tutus for tea, ta-tas for you and Toto’s for me…one potaTOE, toupee tayTOE, free the PlayDoh™, floor…)
(What was the question again?)
— but don’t hold back! (If only We could overcome Our pathological shyness…)
You need to speak your mind, (That’s gonna be a short sentence.)
even if other people are overly sensitive. (Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.)
You’ve got a whole new year to apologize, if need be! (Seriously? This is the horoscope We get for New Years Eve???)
A friend who has been missing in action for a really long time will pop back onto the scene today (We seriously doubt that any of Our friends have (inflatedly-priced) tickets for murder mystery dinner theater. We’re just sayin’.)
— and boy, do they have a story to tell about their adventures! (Can’t wait.)
(New Years Resolution for 2014: invent sarcasm font.)
So before you get all indignant about being neglected, listen to what they have to say. (Sorry…did you say something?)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
Be a good audience and show them that all you want is for them to feel fulfilled in their life, not obligated to you. (Um…have you MET Us?)
You’re not a friend who keeps track of the hours they put into the relationship. (Well, then who DOES keep those stats, and where can We get an Excel™ spreadsheet of ‘em?)
That petty person is not you. (That pettiCOATED person, on the other hand, is indeed We. Also, We-We-We all the way home.)
Try not to get too worked up — you need to welcome the fresh, positive energy that’s coming later on. (It’s the ninth month of this murder mystery…We’re POSITIVE there’ll be nothing fresh or energetic about it.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.